Dear Freakwenter

My boyfriend, who I'll call Ralphie, gave me a valentines card made of big pieces of printer paper taped together in the shape of a heart, half-covered with pieces of newspaper, but left uncompleted because he ran out of tape. Should I be worried? Is this a sign of insincerity? Last year he gave me flowers. Ah, that was the good old day. All this right after Christmas when I gave him a new car and his return gift was a trip in the new car to a mountaintop, where he had me get out and look around and he said, "This beautiful scenery is my gift to you." I'm sure he got the idea from his brother who did the same thing for his girlfriend last May. What should I do?

-Perplexed in PA


Dear Perplexed,

First I want to thank you for writing to me, since I don't often get mail. Your story is deeply touching. Just kidding. You're really not making any sense. Why are you dating this guy?

Sincerely,
The Freakwenter