Saturday, April 22, 2006

Walmart to Offer Counseling

Walmart is piloting a new counseling product in several small-town locations. For just $10 per half-hour, clients can sit down with a trained Walmart associate for a heart-to-heart discussion on how to meet the diverse challanges of life. This product will be located in Walmart supercenters adjacent to the optometry department.

A spokesman said that Walmart is introducing the product to combat widespread depression and anger in American ghost-towns where mega-corporations have replaced family-run businesses. "The Walmart family is excited that we can provide healing to wounded communities," said the spokesman.

Walmart is currently hiring part-time counselors. Sandra Smith, already a member of the Walmart team, hopes that her experience as a greeter will help her get one of the coveted positions and a raise to $8.05/hr. If she gets the job, she will receive the "Life's Trouble Shooter" manual and undergo a week of training to address clients' complaints of uncontrollable spending habits, unfulfilling careers, and a loss of self.


Anonymous Christopher said...

Dear His Freakwentness: Walmart has indeed donned a new realm of glory in its counseling product. Sam's Club, too, now offers counseling for the whole family for just $20 for 45 minutes, provided family members surpass straining height and weight minimums and the family's home meets storage capacity criteria. Yippee!

5:04 PM  

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