Byrd Proposes "No Stupid Child Left Behind" Act

Senator Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) introduced a bill to the Senate budget committee calling for increased federal funding for schools with low average IQs. Known for decades of pork-barreling, Byrd is well aware of the economic boom his bill could bring to West Virginia.

But Byrd is also concerned about the plight of the stupid and economically depressed people in his state. Byrd hopes his bill will directly counteract the effects of the "No Child Left Behind Act" by improving educational oppurtunities for the children of his stupid constituents.

Stupidity analyst Rich Murray claims that job markets marginalize stupid people, and says that this warrents affirmative action. Stupid people are the first to get laid off and the last to get hired. The average stupid person's annual income is only about 70% of the average smart person's income, even after adjusting for other factors like ethnic background, economic background, gender, and body-mass index.

The Signals are Out to Get You

Watch out for the signals. Some signals are benign, such as when Bernanke signals that the Fed will continue to raise interest rates at a measured pace. But most signals cause great harm. The worst kind of signal is called a "mixed message." For example, Bush might attend a hybrid motor show to signal that we should care about the environment. But Bush also lets his Washington staff drive SUVs, and the clear message is that it is OK to pollute. Should we be polluting the environment or should we be taking care of it? These kinds of mixed messages are devastatingly signalificant.

Watch out! You might send signals without realizing it. When you wear a tie to work, you send a signal to the rest of the world that you think you deserve a big salary. This makes you vulnerable if someone discovers that you're just a regular guy. And next time you get the urge to steal something out of Walmart, remember that this would send multiple signals suggesting that you're a bad person. You're a bad person if you want something from Walmart, and you're a bad person if you are so poor that you can't afford to just pay for whatever it is you wanted to steal. So just do your best to not send signals. If you receive signals, ignore them.