Dear Freakwenter

I've had some strange dreams. The other night two guys broke into my apartment and started cutting my hair. When I realized that they were trying to do a good job, I stopped struggling and let them cut it. It felt nice. In the next scene I was taking communion, and someone switched out one of the trays for another one. I took some of the non-switched-out communion grape juice, and immediately all the colors turned psychedelic. What's more, all the people took on alien-esque appearances, with big trumpety knobs coming out from their foreheads. The guys that had taken their communion from the switched-out tray turned into lanky white demons who were trying to take over the world. As my dream ended, all of us alien figures were serving ourselves food at a potluck, and the lanky white demons had not yet triumphed.

The next night, a bunch of giraffes were chasing me with their nibbly lips, so I took refuge in a little house I found. There I found a 2-year old girl. The house was shaky, so I was worried it would collapse and the giraffes would hurt the little girl. I asked her, "Are you alone?" and she said no, and showed me the baby that she was caring for upstairs. I took the baby and fed it. Soon the 2-year-old's mother came home, dressed like a conservative Mennonite. She seemed completely incurious about why I was there. Then the baby's mother arrived, and promptly criticized me for holding the baby with its head tilted, so I handed the baby over to its mother.

The following night I was being born. Someone was helping to push my head down to the birth canal, and about that time I turned into an observer of my own birth. As I was coming out of my mother, she encouraged me to catch myself, because it was a rare opportunity: to catch one-self on the way out of the womb. I did, but then I dropped myself. As I was picking myself up off the floor, the baby me became my brother, who is 10 years older than me.

Why did I dream these things?

-The Loved One

Dear Loved One,

First, I want to thank you for writing to me, because I have received mail only three times before. As stated by the old Chinese proverb, "People who get a lot of mail have better luck." And now on to your dreams.

The one thing that stands out to me about your three dreams is how clearly interlinked they are. In fact, they form a loop. The first dream is about the adult life, it's complexity, how bad guys can also be good guys, and how viewing life through the lens of religious dogma can make us all look like aliens at a potluck trying to save the world from lanky demons. The second dream backtracks to childhood and adolescence, learning to live despite constant fears, how to escape from giraffe-like strangers whose nibbling personalities eat away at you, and learning to cope with increasing responsibility - all while getting criticized for your incompetence. The final dream backtracks all the way to your birth - or hints at the time when you will give birth to someone like yourself, completing this moronic circle of life and death.

So to answer your question. The reason that you dreamed these dreams is that you were sleeping. Sleeping is what causes dreams.

Good night!
-The Freakwenter